I Married My Wife, Not Her Vagina

My wife and I have an excellent sex life.  That’s not to say we have sex all of the time or even more than average for a couple in their early/mid 30’s.  To be honest, I would have to say, we have sex as much as we really want to.  The thought behind my libido is that I really don’t want it if she isn’t in the mood, and I’m never going to ask for it as if it were an extra smoke or control of the TV remote.  I’m not going to get into my sex life too much other than to provide examples.  At this juncture, I’ll just say, I think my wife and I have got it right.  Sex is important—very important, but it is not the reason we are together, and it’s not a reason to create awkwardness.  Here is where I think many couples get it wrong.

Leverage.

I can’t stand when I hear people, mostly women, say something along the lines of, “I gave him sex,” or ,”if you ever want to get any again,…”  It’s crap.  People who hang sex over the heads of their partner are insecure and petty.  They simply want to be in control and they have the gall to use one of the most cherished and sacred things within a romantic relationship, as a weapon to gain power.  How dare them!  The problem though, is that the other half of the coin typically enables this!  Men, in particular, will often times resort to reasoning, bargaining, or even begging.  This empowers their control happy partners even more.  If you both don’t want it, neither should have it.  If one or the other doesn’t want it on a constant basis, the other one is doing something wrong.  Sex is not a responsibility, it’s a pleasure and a privilege.  If you truly are in love with someone (which is the only reason to be married in the first place) sex will happen naturally.  If you have to force it, try to remember what you loved about the person the first time you hopped into the sack together.  If that’s gone, you might need some outside help, to start.

Dynamite!

This one is for the men out there.  You can actually survive without ejaculating every single day!  What you do on your own is for you and you only; but, when it involves another person, slamming your partner with guilt over the fact that you haven’t spread your seed in 12 hours is simply childish and pathetic.  The worst part about it is, it often works.  Women feel so responsible for physically relieving the pressure of their proverbial Mt. Vesuvius, that they do what they have to in order to get the man to just shut up about it.  Hey, if you would trade off a meaningful relationship built on trust and an actual desire to jump your bones, for meaningless and hollow hand-jobs before bed, go for it.  If you want your partner to feel worthless because it’s obvious that having sex is all about you, go ahead.  Again, the worst part…the other side of the coin allows it to happen.

Cheating

I have heard lots of reasons for cheating; however, I honestly think there is one over-arching reason for men, and two main reasons for women.  Don’t get me wrong, I personally do not believe that every instance of marital cheating falls under the following categories; however, I am generalizing MOST men and MOST women.

Men cheat, very simply, because they often yearn for something different.  Take for instance, the average looking, every day, blue collar man who is married to someone who, by today’s standards of appearance, is way out of their league, physically.  That man gets busted cheating with a far less attractive, less desirable woman.The reason for this is that they just want something that is not what they have already.  The problem is, if they are looking to cheat or if it “just happens” by happenstance, they are failing to realize the consequences of their actions.  Now, there are some men out there who will feel no remorse until they are caught, but most men who actually love their wives (those ones still cheat) feel guilty the second the booze wears off and it likely tears them apart on the inside for a while.  Then when they do get caught, as most cheaters eventually will, their world comes crumbling down.  It’s this failure to look ahead—the live in the moment’ness, that leads to men fulfilling their desire for something different, without realizing that what they have, is what they really want.

Men often use the excuse, “I wasn’t being satisfied by my wife, so I sought sex elsewhere.”  This excuse is valid if you are a female—that’s all!  Men can satisfy themselves sexually (albeit not necessarily intimately) to the degree necessary, all on their own.  Women can not necessarily do that.  Women will seek out supplemental sex partners because of the romance behind it, the thrill, the risk.  It’s all very sexy.  They are often times neglected at home intimately (again, this doesn’t have to be sexually), which leads to a lack luster sex life.  Basically, one of the main reasons for a woman cheating is that their man doesn’t treat the the way they want to be treated, which leads to cold, hollow sex vs. passionate, intimate relations.  The other predominant reason women cheat is for revenge.  Again, they use their knowledge of their “hunters” and, as a “gatherer,” seek ways to satisfy their personal need to get the best of their husband.  Sometimes, they even want to get caught.  Sex, used as a weapon; effective, but truly despicable.

Romance 

There are many who argue that romance is difficult, time consuming, or expensive.  This really doesn’t have to be the case.  This is another thing that my wife and I have gotten right.  For example, work was delayed this morning and I had the opportunity to relieve my wife of some of her responsibilities.  She generally wakes up at about 6:30 am to bring our daughter to school.  I tend to get up at 5:00 am merely to have some quiet time to myself to watch a TV show or goof off on the internet before getting ready for work.  Anyways, when I got the notification that work was delayed two hours because of snow, I decided to turn off my wife’s alarm and take our daughter to school.  On the way back, I stopped off at Burger King and got a quick little breakfast for her to have when she woke up.  When I returned home, my wife was awake and was generally confused at the situation. “Where’s our daughter?  What are you doing home?  Oh, you brought me breakfast.”  She told me how much she appreciated the gesture and we laid in bed for a few extra minutes before I jumped on the computer here to continue this blog.  I catered to her desire to be pampered, and she catered to my desire to be appreciated for my efforts.  Now, while this may not seem like the Valentine’s Day romance stuff, when you are married, often the mundane gestures are very attractive.

Everyone likes romance whether you know it or not.  Most men aren’t as elegant about it as women but remember, it’s often the little things that count.  The small things that say, “I was thinking about you, and only you, despite everything else that is going on in the world.”  Sort of made us want to jump each other’s bones merely because it was a reminder of how much we love each other.  Sexy.

Sex is Funny

My wife and I have laughed so hard during sex.  Funny things happen.  We have eliminated any awkwardness that comes along with having sex.  We all want to be superstars in bed.  We all want to have romantic, intimate, passionate, fiery sex.  We all picture long, steamy, hour plus conquests in bed.  Guess what?  Most of the time, we fall short of what our imaginations has turned sex into.  It turns out that seven minutes of all of that works just as well. Then there is time for snuggling, joking, laughing, or even grabbing a bite to eat.  There is no real insecurity left when we have sex.  There are days that I am not on my A-game and vice versa but for us, it is much more about intimacy than it is about sex.  I mean, it obviously feels great, but it feels better knowing that our egos are not a part of it.  Often times, we laugh about it and playfully tease each other about it.  Like I said, sex is funny.  One time, I fell off of the bed as things were getting a bit steamy.  My wife said it was like watching me in slow motion.  As I fell, momentum caused my leg to kick outward and I ended up ninja kicking the dresser.  It hurt like a son-of-a-gun, but man was it funny.  Realizing that I am having sex with someone I am truly connected with is likely why I enjoy it so much and, it is probably the reason why our sex life is so good.  It makes the sex more about the couple, than the individual.  Funnily enough, I find myself trying to make her orgasm before me.  It’s almost a game.  Funny, she does the same to me.  Writing this part brings back so many fond memories, but those are for us.

“Will you marry me…so we can have sex a lot?”

People often say that sex dies after marriage.  I do not believe this for one second.  Did my wife and I have more sex before we were married and/or lived together, yes!  This is because when we would see each other away from our respective homes, it was an event.  It was a meeting that eventually, because we weren’t constantly around each other, would frequently end in intimacy.  Now we are married and we are always around.  We have joint responsibilities that we are obligated to involve each other in.  Sometimes that takes a front seat to sex.  Having said that, we still have sex whenever we both want.  As I have mentioned before in previous blogs, my wife and I did it right in that we were the best of friends prior to ever engaging in a sexual activity.  The first time we did, I remember her asking, “this isn’t gonna get weird now, is it?”  I told her I didn’t think so, and guess what?  It didn’t.  I am a huge advocate for friends first.  When we first began being intimate, we talked about the things we liked, the things we didn’t, and even the things we wanted to try out.  We are both adults and we acted like it.  Not like some of these folks we see on Judge Lynn Toler’s “Divorce Court.”   If a relationship is predominantly physical but  somewhat lacking in the conversation and social department, it is likely you are not with someone who you meet on an intellectual level or at least in respect to mutual interests.  It may suck, but in the long run, breaking off that relationship might be in the best interest of both of your futures.  That’s just my take.

Conclude With Disclaimers

None of this is designed to make people question their relationships.  There are many relationships that work for many different reasons.  Who the hell am I to say, this is the only way things work?  Nobody.  I just know what works for me and my wife.  I merely want to offer perspective.  I’ll admit, I am quite old fashioned in a very modern way, but that is one of the things that my wife says puts me apart from other men.  So, for the men reading this, it’s okay to be a bit of a sensitive sap.  You aren’t showing weakness by being tender and honest.  For the women, men are more sensitive than they appear.  If you have a good one, they will want you to want them.  That will make them want you more.  Oh yea, last thing.  This goes for everyone, married, single, straight, gay, etc:  real sex, is not a porn movie.  Don’t try and make it one.  We are high on the evolutionary ladder of this planet, don’t set yourself back.

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